Chinese New Year, it is a great time for many people to get together and talk about the family issues. Therefore, there is no doubt that many relatives like asking question, such as, “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”, “Shall I introduce someone to you?”, etc. As a result, many young people have their methods, which they rent a boyfriend or a girlfriend for going home to meet their family members. Does it happen in your home countries? Maybe!
My friend, Janice said, she come across the big issue, her parents ask about her plan of the marriage. The most importance thing is that, she has a foreign boyfriend, which comes from Germany, however her parent dislikes that she look for a foreign boyfriend or husband, why? 1. Culture difference 2. Unstable relationship 3. A higher divorce percentage of future marriage
Come to this point, let’s look back about some traditional story of Chinese marriage. In ancient China for more than 2000 ars, it was the period of men go out and women stay home. But today’s China is different from 100-year ago. China is one part of the globalization which means the culture globalization is one part of the globalization, more or less we often call it multi-culture. Chinese listen to hip hop and latin music, and many foreign friends start playing Majong. Furthermore, there are more and more foreign actors and actresses who become some main actors of the movies, for example, the 40 episode’s series called “My Natascha”, which describes the love between a Chinese man with two women, one is from Soviet Union and the other is from Japan.
In the future, there is no doubt that more and more multicultural family will appear in China. And China has 2000-year history and culture, how do people deal with the conflict between traditional concept and foreign culture? How will be the relationship and the responsibility between man and woman in the family? Do you have your own experience? Would you like to give any ideas to them on how to deal with this situation?
In China, if the relatives ask you some questions about your relationship, then you shall come to realize that if you get married in this country, it is not only your personal issue, but also your husband/wife’s whole family issue. At least, if a husband was a prisoner before, his wife’s relative feel a little bit shameful because you has become their relatives. If you show your disrespect to your relatives, then your parents can not find a ladder to step down easily.
What will you do if your relatives ask about your personal love and relationship issue?
广州作为南中国一个重要的大城市，其主流文化当然是粤府文化。不过随着越来越多不同省份的兄弟姐妹来到广州，来到在这里寻找他们的梦和理想，广州已不再是一个一府文化唱独角戏的年代了，更加是一个慢慢进入文化百家争鸣的时代。有容乃大，方可海纳百川！ 如果一个城市的公民民族狭隘性很强烈，我们可以理解，因为本地公民热爱本土文化，要尽一切的努力去保护它。 只是民族的狭隘性或许可以代表一份坚持，一种热爱，但是却可以描述为一种固步自封。如果一个民族要进步，需要的是虚心地去学习，耐心地去交流和用心地去聆听。
什么是相互尊重的对话呢？ 举个例子，在柏林周五的一个傍晚，一位土耳其老奶奶Derya到阿迪(ALdi)超市买蔬菜，准备回家煮饭给孙子吃，半个小时以后，土耳其老奶奶心满意足的推着购物车来到超市收银台付款，并把所购的物品放进购物袋里，临走前，土耳其老奶奶跟超市的柏林人收银员Lisa说：”schoenes Wochenende(周末愉快)!” Lisa满脸笑容的回答老奶奶Derya：“Danke schone, dir auch（谢谢您，你也周末愉快）.” 他们相互认识吗？不认识。是朋友吗？不是。什么是相互尊重的对话？就是简单的一句普通人之间的问候而已。
这样的故事有可能发生在广州吗？ 广州会成为像柏林这样一个城市吗？我们应该多鼓励来自别的省份的新广州人多举行些地方文化节，增进了解，不是吗? 你认为呢？
Shawn, who is my most close friend, he told his story about his recent experience.
He met a girl who is from Mexico through a social networking site.She lived in Taiwan for 6 years and is quite interested in the Chinese culture. And he continued to ask her out for three days. Gradually, he come to get the good feeling of her. It also happen to be that this girl’s name is his favorite Spanish name: Cecilia. But for three days, it is a only good beginning of friendship. As I told Shawn, you never know what will happen in the future. In the coming week, Cecilia will come to know whether she want to stay in the city. For Shawn, if she stay here, it means he might have more chances to get to know her. What will happen?
However, Shawn seems quite agree with Cecilia some life style and attitude, such as, do some sports, family attitude (to let the children more independent), etc. But Cecilia is only in the city for a week and still need to get used to the transition period from student life to working life. Shawn has come realized that he need to be more rational about something, although he consider that Cecilia’s family attitude is quite the same to his. But Shawn can not judge that she is the right person he met according to this.
Here come the question, do you judge the one you meet is the right person if you both have the same family attitude?
Recently I have a friend and his name is David. He met a US female Susanne and they happen to be a failed multicultural relationship.
When David met Susanne in February and they have a good happy beginning about the relationship development. It happen one bad things between them. David made an appointment with Susanne that he wanted to take a walk with Susanne on one Friday evening of March. But later it happened that David needed to go to another city for the business trip on Friday evening. Then on the coming Saturday, David hanged out with his friend and saw Susanne hang out with other man in the same bar. When they met each other in the bar, they feel a little awkward. And later David has deleted Susanne’s telephone number because he feel so bad about the relationship between him and Susanne. ( But actually it happen that this is not a mistake in USA, because man or woman has their freedom and space to hang out with some friends from time to time).
After that, David does not contact Susanne for a month until the day of his birthday. On this day, Susanne send him one message and said happy birthday to him. Then they started to date with each other for 2 months but at this moment, David has lost his the good feeling about their relationship and Susanne decided to be serious about their relationship not hang out with other men. In these 2 months David tried his best to find the good feeling back for their relationship, and even after they have the most close physical behavior, David still can not find the original good feeling about the relationship between him and Susanne. Later, Susanne felt so painful and sad about their relationship ending.
This story happen to be an unhappy multicultural relationship. David has made a big mistake that he did not have the effective communication with Susanne and he does not understand the American culture better, especially about love and dating. This is called misunderstanding or multicultural misunderstanding. And also later, David happened to become a like player about their relationship when Susanne was serious. This is David’s another mistake. For David, he must has learnt from his experience. Because man must do the most intimate human physical behavior with someone that he really care.In a conclusion, multicultural relationship is really not easy if both do not have the effective and serious communication. If the life is only about sex, life is so meaningless for both human race.
What do you think of this story? What else mistakes do you think that David has made? Does Susanne make any mistakes in this story?
Western women is one very interesting topic for many Chinese male.
Sometimes males says western women are too open, they dont live the children, or they dont have a strong familiy concept, etc. But one thing is that many males talk about : the open attitude towards men.
However, China has 1,3 billion people but why do we only judge that western women is too open about relationship?
There must be some stereotype of males in China. It has too much to do with the movie, photos, magazine(playboy), website,etc. Without all sexual or porn image on this media channel, will the Chinese males consider that western women are very open about sex, about relationship? The answer should be NO!
At least, every country and every race has their own character but there are personality difference. Normally, we judege the group of people by cultural image. But when we judge the a person, we shall consider the personality. In China, one kind of rice raises 100 types of people. Based on this concept, we can not say that all Chinese women are convertive but not all Chinese women are very open. In western world, i think one kind of cheese raises thousands kinds of people. Basically, there are some western women who are conservative, like the children and also have a very good family concept. Because most western women are also independent.
What do you think of western women, my Chinese folks?
Quote from China Daily and written by Mary Katherine Smith.
Newlyweds Megan Millward and husband Zhang Lie are breaking new ground with their marriage. Provided to China Daily
The stereotype has always been Chinese girls, foreign men. But now more and more Western women are studying, working and marrying in China, and they are discovering the charms of their Chinese husbands and writing about the experience. Mary Katherine Smith reports.
When Megan Millward came to Hangzhou in the summer of 2007 on her first trip to China, she did not expect to meet the man she would spend the rest of her life with after just four days. The 25-year-old Canadian recalls meeting her husband in the dormitory where she was living while studying at Zhejiang University, and being instantly drawn to him. He was fit, nice-looking and Chinese. Millward, who is earning her master’s degree, and her husband, Zhang Lie, are in the minority of cross-cultural relationships in a country where it’s common to see foreign men dating and marrying Chinese women but not necessarily the other way around. With the predictions by the National Population and Family Planning Commission that there will be 30 million more males than females aged 20 to 45 by 2020, Millward sees her marriage with Zhang as a small way to help even out the imbalance.
Chinese men still have a long way to go in wooing foreign women. A survey of 100 adult Caucasian women with experience living and working in China by Zhang Jiehai, a sociology professor from Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences was released early last year. It revealed some common stereotypes of the image of Chinese men in the Western women’s eyes.
Chinese men were complimented as being family-oriented, willing to spend money on women and serious about relationships, but there were also some negative characteristics. They had ungentlemanly manners, poor physique and a lack of personal opinion. Almost every participant in the survey critiqued Chinese men as having bad habits – like spitting, growing long fingernails and lacking good dental hygiene.
But despite the generalizations, there are Western women who have looked beyond stereotyping and found love in China. Among them is a group of women who are writing about their atypical pairings.
Melanie Gao, a 43-year-old from Tuscaloosa, Alabama who works in Beijing as a corporate trainer, writes a blog (thedowntown
diner.blogspot.com) where she shares her experiences in a cross-cultural marriage. Her first stop in Asia was in Japan in the 90s to study, and she says she was not initially attracted to Asian men.
She first met Gao Xin, her husband, when he helped her through the process of ordering dinner in the cafeteria at their university in Chiba, Japan. At one point, he asked her if that would be enough food for her.
“I was touched that he was asking about the amount of food I was eating,” she says. Gao would later realize that making sure others have enough to eat is a common gesture in China, but this cultural difference helped bring the couple together.
But the differences that Western women and Chinese men face go far beyond eating habits. Dating and courtship can be very different from what Western women are used to. She says the initial dating period moved at a slow pace and she practically had to ask him to kiss her.
“But once he kissed me he moved very fast and talked about love and marriage just days later.”
Jocelyn Eikenburg, a 33-year-old American who blogs on speakingofchina.com, had a similar experience when she first began dating her husband, Jun Yu. “Immediately after we first started dating, he was calling me laopo.” That is Chinese for “wife”.
She was surprised by how quickly the relationship had gone from friend to potential spouse. Her blog focuses on cross-cultural relationships between Chinese men and Western women.
Family can also be another hurdle for many foreign women in relationships with Chinese men.
When Jun told his family about his relationship with Eikenburg, his father did not approve. “He cautioned me about dating a foreign girl and did not want me to get hurt,” Jun says.
His family’s attitude toward their son dating a foreign woman quickly changed when Eikenburg went home with Jun for Chinese New Year. When she showed his father pictures of her family at home, “it really opened him up”, she says. As filial piety is important to Chinese families, Eikenburg says that experience helped break down barriers.
Millward and Zhang met similar hesitations at the beginning of their relationship. “My parents were unhappy at the beginning,” Zhang says. His family thought he should find a girlfriend to marry who would be more traditional, but “after Megan met my parents they thought she was a very good girl”.
Other hurdles can often include the involvement of the family in the couple’s life. Gao says she’s had to adjust to how much her husband’s parents are involved with their life, having been raised to be more independent. It’s been difficult getting used to including his parents with major decisions, adding that her mother-in-law even went along on their honeymoon.
She’s also been surprised by his parents’ involvement in raising their children. “They’re way more involved than I expected,” she says. “But if we asked them not to guan (or interfere with) us, then it would be like we’re refusing their love.”
“When you marry a Chinese you marry the whole family,” says Jo Gan, a 42-year-old African-American woman who is a director of foreign teachers in Yuyao, Zhejiang province. She adds that she’s not used to the fact that her husband’s parents call every day, visit often and when they want him to do something he has to jump to do it right away.
Gan, who blogs about her experiences in China in a cross-cultural marriage at lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com, says the biggest hurdle they’ve had is other people’s problems with their relationship. She attributes it to the negative stereotypes of black women in China.
“All of it has to do with education and understanding,” she says, adding that others see him marrying someone with dark skin as marrying low. “Its like he loses face just being married to me.”
Gan and her husband, who is a translator in a local factory in Yuyao, have been able to rise above the unwanted comments and judgments from friends and strangers.
“We have no problems with our relationship,” she says. “We understand each other and support each other in everything we do.”
These women’s personal, candid blogs have helped online communities of Western women and Chinese men looking for advice, or even sometimes love. Eikenburg, who writes Speaking of China, arguably the most popular blog discussing these rare pairings, says the most common question she receives from Chinese men is where to meet foreign women, while Western women are often unsure of how to “read” Chinese men.
Despite the challenges, these women and their husbands find their cross-cultural marriages incredibly fulfilling. “There are benefits to having two cultures,” says Eikenburg, adding that they like to explore each other’s language and culture. “We have a much stronger bond because of it.”
Recently a western female friend told me that he has been dating a Chinese guy. But however, the guy use their relationship and steal her computer.
This is a real shameful case for our Chinese. Why do we care about the FACE but keep on doing something to lose our face? I really dont understand.
Dont try to use your multicultural relationship to do something stupid, it is not worth doing that!!!!Please!!!!
Recently a very good friend of mine tells me that she like a German man. And she ask me the why the man is not so active and are all the German looks like that?
Here is my point of view. Firstly,whereever you come from, there are differnt kinds of men and women in their own countries. Either in China or in Germany, but it depends on the personality. Secondly, to this case, J said to me, she is a impatient person who meet a man and he is not so active about relationship. But come to my mind, the German friend who I know are normally very cautious and at least this is why German sometimes make people feel they are very slow and conservative. But actually when you come to know them, they are very friendly and serious about relationship.
Come to the multicultural relationship, there are many things that we need to think of.
Firstly, the culture. Because the culture really has its influence to the concept, awareness and personality. If you really t to know someone that you like, it is better to spend sometime with him or her at least for several times of dating. Such as, travelling, go clubbing, go to dinner, etc. Otherwise, if you push too hard, the foundation of the relationship might not so steady for the future. But if there are some special person like fast dating then it works. Why culture matter here, because the language and the understanding of the culture.
Secondly, personality. Because different human have their own characters. Respect their character can give both the space to think , the freedom to talk and the air to breathe. If either side has their space and freedom to think of for a while, if you both can not come to a conclusion. It is better to become friends. I think every relationship , the first step is friend. There are some people like ONS, but that is so exceptional. So personaity give us the idea that who he is, how he looks, what his concept about relationship is, how he think of you. If you like him, it does not mean he not like you. At least, if he dont know you, how he can trust you and start a romantic relationship? Or on the other hand, maybe she is not his type.
Thirdly, everyone has his vision, target of like, or any experience expectation. Getting to know about this is very important. Because every relationship count on this. A good vision can lead to a good future. But however the personality can change something. One day, he might leave you alone or he might ask whether you like to have the new adventure and new experiece. Whether you life expectation is the same to him, this is also a very interesting to talk about. If both are fit for each other and have the same vision about life, it is not difficult to walk together. But if not, probably one side need to sacrifice himself.
With the fast global development,people come and go then stay and leave. It has many new things to attract our eye ball, getting to know someone who can walk together in the same step, it is not so easy. If you walk one step forward, he walk one step back, does it still make sense to walk together? Love is not about tug of war who talk towards different direction. It is about when you listen to the piano music, whether rhythm is harmonious.
China’s Censors Rein in ‘Vulgar’ Reality TV Show
Recently or let us say in this year, there are some kinds of TV Show which give a platform for many young men and ladies to get to know each other. In such a show, it shows some aspect of the Chinese society at the moment especially after the 30 years’ economic development.
But officially, the official media judge a TV Show which does not fit for the Chinese culture. Money oriented seems to be the main reason to make this TV Show be stoppey by the official authority. Is that right or wrong to be money oriented?What do you think if there are such a TV Show in Germany, in USA, in Australia, etc. What is your idea about that?
Recently i join some online friendship website, I found that it seems in some region or area , Japanese men are very attractive to western women. Here is the question? Are the Chinese men attractive to you? What kind of characters are Chinese men attracive to you. If as Ericka says Laowai Girls like Asian Boys
So what do you think of that? Let’s say, no matter Chinese or Japanese men, what is your idea about the difference between Chinese man and Japanese man?
Welcome your discussion on this.